A Guide To The Incoherent Beliefs of Mel C. Thompson

Now I shall set the record straight as to what I truly believe,
Because many have accused me of failing to speak earnestly
on vital issues.  Rather than state my beliefs, which might
confuse the delicate reader, I shall rather detail my actions
in such a way that there will be no doubt where I really stand
and why all of my mental illnesses are completely incurable.
Firstly, I am medicated professionally, and additionally
I self-medicate, in the following ways:  I ingest moderate
amounts of prescription sedatives, caffeine, and alcohol,
each of which my doctors and priests agree are necessary,
and also, in my case, fully mystical and holy and blessed.
And I have watched, read and written pornographic heresies
and political blasphemies for which I know God loves me.

Now the critical time for determining what a person believes
is not the daytime, not while he is out in the world, surrounded
by people, busy with commerce or sloth or vice, and where
the bright light of day and the motion of life itself buys him
escape from the horrors of his own deep self and the cosmos.
So I shall only describe what I'm like late at night and early
in the morning, when the leviathan of human frailty rules
the ocean of twilight, midnight and dawn, when the specters
and horrors of death, old age, total isolation, and the futility
of all safety nets and back-up planning, becomes apparent.

At these time you can observe me following the proclamations
of the most cynical and angry Atheist scientists and also
the most weak-willed and fragile-minded anthropomorphic
preachers and writers.  We know from the circular thoughts
that haunt me in those hours that I an utterly convinced
that nothing like a god, a buddha, a savior or and spirt
could ever possibly exist in this cold, material universe.
At such times, we observe that I pay homage to, pray to,
beg favors from, and feel the unseen presence of, countless
buddhas, bodhisattvas, gods, demigods, kami and the dead,
whom I know, without the slightest doubt, encircle my bed,
and, by the incomprehensible trillions, protect me, guard me,
grant all my wishes and assure me guaranteed residency in
every manner of palace, mansion, temple, cathedral and mosque
that exist in both this world and in thousands of afterlives.
It is unquestionably true that I will inhabit and abide in these
for all of time, and even beyond time.  Plus, I note to myself,
that no such afterlife or heavens or Pure Lands could really be
anything like real.  And then, as I fade off to sleep, I smile
knowing that in spite of the fact that not a single thing I believe
could be true, I am indeed one with every particle in every world,
and that each of those particles and waves is alive and conscious
and speaking to me at every moment and conspiring to produce
every instant of my life.  Plus, I reflect on the fact that I hate
anyone who indulges in such beliefs because they contradict
science, which we know to be the undeniable final authority.

Additionally, it must be added that at all times I act as though
I am some world-honored figure who is amazingly sexy,
destined for a life of wealthy indulgence and never
in danger of being forsaken or uncared for in any way,
plus I am deeply upset that I a doomed to poverty,
wholesale abandonment and involuntary celibacy
for the rest of my natural life, which I expect to be short,
which I admit is not possible, because my dad's viking genes
mean that, in spite of all illnesses and arrays of lethal symptoms
and continual medical and psychiatric testing, I am functionally
immortal and could not even be killed when trucks ran me over
and people chased me with guns and I was having surgery
every several weeks and the prognosis was especially grave.

Hopefully this very frank and detailed admission will clear up
any confusion surrounding what my inner most feelings are
on so many delicate and emotional and charged issues
on which I speak frequently.  When reading or hearing
anything I say, if you are left with a sense of unease,
you may refer to this document again and reread it,
and then you will have no doubt as to what my stance is.
I am a man of utmost clarity and elegant simplicity.
Plus I really saw a UFO and you didn't, so I win.
Plus somehow I am allegedly Catholic, although
I cannot think of a single Catholic belief I hold;
and I believe all religions are fully discredited.